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How to Become Less Vicious

William M. Tarnowski

I came across a list * of vices and was much relieved
To find I was not quite as evil as I'd once believed.

It's difficult to comprehend my virtuous satisfaction,
Since by my calculation I now own the merest fraction.

I ought not to disclose this, but how can I resist?
It's simple mathematics known to each Pythagorist.

It's clear that if you're guided by the standard "deadly seven",
And if you're a believer you may never get to heaven.

Suppose your favorite vices are in number, let's say three;
If using the old list you are quite vicious, as you see.

The list of vices that I use will make you seem a saint;
It numbers nine and seventy (though some are rather quaint).

So, use my longer list and you'll achieve transfiguration.
By Zeus, you'll be a candidate for holy ordination.

The way, I say, to Paradise is not by living straighter;
The better route is just to use my new denominator!

* http://w0bzzy.blogspot.com/2007/09/list-of-vices.html