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How to Become Less Vicious
William M. Tarnowski
I came across a list * of vices and was much relieved
To find I was not quite as evil as I'd once believed.
It's difficult to comprehend my virtuous satisfaction,
Since by my calculation I now own the merest fraction.
I ought not to disclose this, but how can I resist?
It's simple mathematics known to each Pythagorist.
It's clear that if you're guided by the standard "deadly seven",
And if you're a believer you may never get to heaven.
Suppose your favorite vices are in number, let's say three;
If using the old list you are quite vicious, as you see.
The list of vices that I use will make you seem a saint;
It numbers nine and seventy (though some are rather quaint).
So, use my longer list and you'll achieve transfiguration.
By Zeus, you'll be a candidate for holy ordination.
The way, I say, to Paradise is not by living straighter;
The better route is just to use my new denominator!